H is for Horrendously Horrible

This blog will anger my girlfriend. I realize that full well before I even get into it. She tells me I do not understand Twilight. I agree.

I do not understand how such a phenomenon has taken over popular culture to a point where women are wishing their husbands and boyfriends to be vampires. My mind is a little fuzzy but was there this much of a stir when Tom Cruise and Brad Pitt brought to life Interview with a Vampire? Did women swoon when Eddie Murphy was A Vampire in Brooklyn? Even Hugh Jackman fought the creatures of the night in Van Helsing. So why now all of a sudden is this vampire phenomenon taken off in this country and around the world?

Women of all ages, shapes and sizes have fallen for Edward Cullen. He is as fictitious as Larry the Cable Guy but yet there is something that attracts women to him. Is it the pixie dust on his skin that shimmers in the light? Is it his pasty white skin? How about his mysteriousness? Robert Pattinson basically brings to life a vampire version of Elton John; equally mysterious and hard to watch or listen to for more than 10 minutes without some kind of alcohol. At least Elton John can play the piano. What can Edward Cullen do? Fly with the help of CGI.

I was at the opening night showing of Twilight and it may be the greatest script ever to come through Hollywood. I would not know it because there were too many shrieking teenagers in the theater that I could not hear it in it's entireity. So you ask youself, "well Cory, why don't you watch it in the comfort of your home without the shrieking teenagers?" I'll tell you why. Because I am sick of it. I am sick of Twilight this and Twilight that. I realize they are making sequels to the movie in conjunction with the novel series and my ultimate wish is that an accident reminiscent of what happened to Brandon Lee happens on the set of the upcoming features. Then I would advise Hollywood to cast the Jonas Brothers in the film, only for the mere fact that if one of them died, they could replace each other in a seamless transition.

To the women of the world: think what your life was like before anyone ever introduced you to the book series. Are 2000 pages of narrative and a 2 hour abomination on film really making a difference in your life? I realize for some that it does make a difference to have that escape. And here is the deal I will make you; leave our fantasy sports alone and I promise the words "I hate Twilight" will never be uttered by this author ever again.